ATTITUDE TOWARDS SELF-LOVE, CONFIDENCE, AND BODY LANGUAGE
Some people think it’s a sin to love yourself. They consider those who love themselves to be selfish, conceited, and rather unpleasant. But they’re mistaken. They confuse self-love with false pride and narcissism (being in love with yourself) which is quite a different matter.
SELF-LOVE
Vanity and arrogance are usually a form of bravado engaged in by people who love themselves too little and are trying to cover it up.
If you don’t love yourself you’ll have no sense of self-worth, and no feeling of acceptance or belonging.
Furthermore, your capacity for loving others is directly related to how much love you have for yourself. You can’t share anything you don’t have. How can you truly love another if you don’t feel worthy of giving and receiving love? Impossible.
The belief that you need to be different from how you are in order to be loved causes a great deal of misery. Unless you are happy within, you’ll never be truly satisfied with what you do. Loving yourself unconditionally is the key to happiness. But you don’t have to be perfect: the most loved person in the world makes mistakes! You don’t even have to do your best. You don’t have to prove anything. You’re all right because you’re all right, and lovable exactly as you are. ‘It’s a funny thing about life: if you refuse to accept anything less than the best, you very often get it.—W. Somerset Maugham
Reflect on your attitude to loving yourself. It is OK to love yourself? Or do you consider it sinful? Arrogant Conceited? If so, from where does this attitude come?
Write down this sentence: ‘If only I were……. then I’d be lovable.’
Quickly, without thinking about it too hard, fill in the gap with whatever comes to mind. Examine what you’ve written. Does it really make sense?
Think of someone or several people you know who are loud, boastful, arrogant, and vain. In your opinion do these people truly love themselves? Or are they in love with themselves? Is their outward display nothing more than a convert is up?
Regularly pamper yourself. Treat yourself to an occasional massage, aromatherapy, sauna, a long soak in the bath, reflexology, a manicure, or whatever you fancy. Not only does it help recharge your batteries, but it also reminds you that you deserve the very best.
Relax your body. Calm your mind. Imagine there is someone there with you, who loves you, really loves you. This could be a living or deceased persona, a spiritual being whom you admire, such as Krishna, Jesus, Buddha, or Mohammed, or a guardian angel. Welcome them. ‘Feel’ their presence.
Now imagine that this person is telling you how much he or she loves you and all the good things they see in you. Listen carefully. How do you feel?
When you return to full alertness, describe the experience in your notebook.
Use these affirmations :
- ‘I am worthy of all the good in my life.
- ‘I am open and accepting of myself and others.’
- ‘I am loving, lovable, and loved.’
- ‘I feel warm and loving towards myself at all times.’
Practice TFM—Time for Me: Make time for yourself every day, for relaxing, doing as your please having fun. This sends a powerful message to the subconscious that you deserve it and you’re worth it. Besides if you don’t make time for yourself, who else is going to make time for you?
When you learn to love yourself change always takes place. Not always immediately— but it will.
CONFIDENCE BUILDING ACTIVITIES
The following activities are terrific confidence boosters. Obviously, some will appeal to you more than others. For instance, if you enjoy dancing and you’re good at it you’ll probably feel that taking dancing lessons is unnecessary. But if you hate dancing, lack confidence on the dance floor, and find it difficult to express yourself physically, the very ideal may traumatize you.
Why do most of us find it hard to put ourselves on the line? Usually, because we’re frightened of showing ourselves up. But with high self-esteem, we don’t worry about making fools of ourselves in front of others because we know instinctively that this is not a disaster.
So what if you don’t succeed the first time? The obstacles don’t grow any bigger but you do! With a positive self-image, you can fail completely and still feel good about yourself.
- Because I’m OK I can make mistakes. I can fail and still feel good about myself.
- I am enthusiastic about life and filled with energy and purpose.
‘ Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently.’—Henry Ford
Join a speakers’ club or enroll in a public speaking course. Speaking to an audience is many people’s number one fear, but even if you never intend to give a speech, attending speaking classes will do wonders for your confidence.
Take singing lessons. Join a choir or small singing group and sing in public. Better still, do it solo? Alternatively, join a drama group.
Take dancing lessons disco, rock ‘n’ roll, ballroom, it doesn’t matter. Use your body. Become more physically expressive. Bear in mind you’re not doing it to impress, but to feel more at ease with the way you move. Playing chess/cards with family and friends, or better still, strangers, can bring the same rewards.
Take a self-defense course. You get a wonderful feeling of confidence from knowing that you could deal with a physical attack if necessary.
If you’re shy join a club or society that brings you into contact with others. Choose one that enables you to pursue your favorite hobby or something at which you excel. We all need contact with other people and, no matter how shy you are, you won’t cure it by hiding away.
Do a bungee jump or go skydiving. Take up rock climbing, hang gliding, or white water rafting. Challenging yourself physically is a wonderful way of building confidence.
Every evening allow ten minutes to reflect on the day’s events. Note the positive aspects of the day. Dwell on the most enjoyable moments as if savoring a delicious morsel of food.
SATURDAY NIGHT FAILURE
Richard was thoroughly miserable. At 35 this successful entrepreneur was still single and lonely. ‘I work late most evenings,’ he said, ‘because I dread going home. There’s nothing to go home to.’ He had never had a girlfriend, his only sexual contact being with prostitutes, for which he felt dirty and ashamed.
He believed one of his main problems lay in his inability to join in the dancing at discos and nightclubs. He had been too many down the years, but try as he might stepping onto the dance floor. He would stand at the bar-watching people dancing and later leaving together if he stayed that long. Usually, he sloped off well before closing time.
Richard was encouraged to enroll in dancing lessons and taught how to use anchoring. In stages he visualized himself arriving at the nightclub, chatting to people and buying drinks, using the ‘cool, calm and confident’ trigger if he felt his anxiety levels rising. Then he visualized himself, calmly stepping not the dance floor and moving easily—nothing too flamboyant at first—then approaching an attractive woman and dancing with her.
Then he took the plunge. At first, he was terrified, but within a few weeks, he was able to do everything for which he had set out.
CONFIDENT BODY LANGUAGE
When you move confidently and carry your body confidently, you not only feel more confident but others assume that you are. You may be surprised to learn that only 7 % of the information you transmit to others is in the language you use. The remainder comes from:
- 38% How you speak—the quality of voice, accent, voice projection, emphasis, expression, pace, volume, pitch, etc.
- 55% Body language—posture, position, eye contact, facial expression, head and body movements, gestures, touch, etc.
Whereas people often try to disguise their true feelings in their utterances, they communicate them freely through their non-verbals. When your body language tells a different story from your spoken words, guess, which is believed? The answer is your body language. It imparts eight times as much information.
Pay more attention to how you use your body. Poor movement and posture restrict breathing, tighten the muscles, and brings about skeletal disorders.
One of the best ways of improving your posture is to practice the Alexander Technique, a wonderful method for detecting and releasing muscular tension. It involves moving with the back straight, gaze gently fixed straight-ahead, shoulders back but relaxed, ears, shoulders, hips, and ankles in line. This has the effect of lengthening and widening the spine giving the lungs a chance to work better. This is the epitome of a confident posture. Moreover, regular practitioners also find themselves mentally calmer and more confident than before.
‘No one has ever seen a cock crow with its head down.’—Alonzo Newton Benn
Stand in front of a mirror. Hold your head up, back straight, shoulders back, looking straight ahead. Try to make yourself look bigger as if you’re taking up more space-good posture automatically takes up more space. Now walk briskly and confidently around the room. How do you feel?
A proud, upright stance makes you look more important, even if you’re not especially tall. It makes you look younger and slimmer too.
Now do the opposite. Droop your shoulders, head down, looking at the floor. Make yourself smaller, as if your body is closing in on itself. How confident do you feel now?
Hand and arm movements are very expressive. Learn to use your hands for emphasis, and keep hand movements smooth and flowing. Avoid:
- Folding your arms or wrapping them around yourself (like a cuddle). This indicates a closed, defensive attitude and makes you appear unapproachable.
- Placing your hands in your pockets.
- Tapping on surfaces such as tables and desks with your fingers or on the back of your other hand.
- Fidgeting, scratching, wringing your hands (which shows tension).
- Touching your face or neck. This reveals discomfort or embarrassment.
Become aware of all your mannerisms and gestures. If possible video yourself, watch carefully, and make adjustments.
EYES ARE VERY EXPRESSIVE
- Lively, sparkling eyes are attractive. They say, ‘Talk to me, I’m approachable’.
- Looking away shows disinterest or deviousness.
- Looking down conveys submission.
Confident people make more frequent eye contact than people who are unsure of them, so develop a steady gaze. When you enter a room move around comfortably, smile, and make gentle eye contact with everyone; not too much, not too little.
Your breathing is very important. You can calm down instantly and become less tense and anxious by taking your attention to the breath, slowing, and depending on it
Practice calming your breath. Slow breaths and a steady gaze, combined with an anchor such as ‘Cool, calm and relaxed’, can combat nervousness any time, wherever you are and whomever you’re with.
Make better use of your personal space. Try to make yourself bigger. The more room you appear to occupy, the more confident and important you appear. But moving too close to others is unsettling, so don’t get too near.
To ‘stippling’ join your fingertips to form what looks like a church steeple. This communicates authority and gives the impression you’re sure of where you’re staying.
CONTROLLING MIND
Mind control means the learning of methods of inflecting the subconscious mind. For this, you need to have some knowledge of how the inner mind works and of its working up. Ending its activities that may be affecting you adversely and putting it to work for you with all of its great powers can make a great change in your life.
Mind control enables you to make many changes in yourself, which will be of the utmost benefit to you. This means learning ways to influence your inner mind.
Holding a soft pencil or a ballpoint pen in your hand, the inner mind can take control of the muscles of your hand and can write intelligibly without your being aware of what it is writing. You can be reading a book while you had written. A few very good ‘auto masters’ have been able to read with the conscious mind while the right-hand writes about something, and at the same time, the left-hand writes on some other subject. Thus, three different mental activities can be carried on at the same time! The operation of an Ouija board is just a variation of automatic writing. Those who believe in spiritualism think that the hand is controlled by some spirit and that through the Ouija board information can be gained from the spirit world. More probably, it is knowledge or fantasy coming from the subconscious.
THE VALUE OF A SMILE
- It costs nothing but creates much.
- It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.
- It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
- None are so rich they can get along without it, and none are so poor but are richer for its benefits
- It creates happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in a business, and is the countersign of friends.
- It is rest to the wearily, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and nature’s best antidote for trouble.
- Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.
- And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?
- For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 2: Smile.
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
DEPRESSION SIGNALS
If, for no evident reason, more than six of the following symptoms develop, the person should check with a doctor in regard to depression :
- The feeling of sadness, and hopelessness (“I will never improve.”).
- Loss of pleasure capacity, ‘the ability to enjoy’.
- Loss of usual interest in sex.
- Loss of appetite (or overeating).
- Insomnia (or sleeping too much).
- Anxious or restless behavior (or apathy).
- Difficulty in concentration, memory, and decision-making.
- Becoming unduly upset by small things.
- Feelings of worthlessness (“I’m no good.”)
- Withdrawal from friends and relatives.