BETTER SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP
If you read this section and get the idea you’d like to start talking with your spouse about enhancing your sexual times. It would be best to plan a special time to do this. If you mention what you have read the next time you crawl into bed to make love. It will probably cause a hassle and end that lovemaking attempt. Your ideas will be much less threatening if you say, “I have been reading a book about sexual enhancement and have some ideas that sound neat and fun to us. I’d love to take you out to tell you about my thoughts and hear your ideas.”
Once the two of you agree that you’d like to have more playful fun together sexually, then the door is wide open for ways to make it happen.
A good place to begin is to change the location and the setting or atmosphere of your sexual encounter. The location is the room or area of the house (or the place outside the house) where you get together sexually. The setting or atmosphere involves what you do to or with the location. For example, you can vary lighting; you can reverse your position in the bed, putting your feet at the head end; you can put a comforter on the floor or by the fireplace, instead of having your sexual experience on the bed.
It will add spark to your relationship if you and your spouse take turns choosing the place and creating the atmosphere. This idea provides newness and an element of surprise.
Sometimes it takes some struggling together to come up with alternate locations and provide the privacy both of you need. One couple had six children ranging from two to seventeen years of age. The little ones awakened early in the morning, while the teenagers stayed up later with their parents at night. The couple found that they were rarely getting together sexually. And when they did, they were under pressure to hurry in the morning or be quiet in the evening. Without a conscious awareness of it, they had developed a routine that took about three minutes. It was entirely predictable from start to finish. Sexual intrigue had left their relationship soon after their second child was born sixteen years before.
Finding new locations and creating a new atmosphere took some problem-solving creativity. They organized craft and sewing rooms so that they could add a hide-a-bed and keep the room tidy. This provided an alternate location for the bedroom. The teenagers were enlisted as part of the plan. The couple told them that Mom and Dad needed some “special nights together.” From the little smiles on the kid’s faces, you could tell they had caught on. There’s an example of a great job of modeling by parents!
The plan they worked out was as follows: After nine o’clock two nights a week, the teenagers were limited to the family room, the kitchen, and their own bedrooms. In exchange for some favor, they were asked to be responsible to get up with the younger children on Saturday mornings. This gave three blocks of time each week free of interruption thus assuring privacy. They now had two possible locations which alleviated the need to be quiet and provided the framework they needed to experience some new life sexually. It worked!
When there are no children or other people in the home twenty-four hours a day, any location in the house that is comfortable, free of distraction, and private is an option for creating a new setting. Your van, pick-up camper, or backyard are other alternatives.
The atmosphere can be varied rather easily. This can be done with lighting. The variations might include no light, candlelight, dim light, or bright light. You might find the visual enjoyment of each other’s bodies is enhanced by, varying the placement of a candle or lamp. The sheets, blankets, or comforters can be varied. Some couples enjoy the smell of incense burning. Others enjoy the use of perfumes or colognes. Others may prefer the smell of a natural, freshly bathed body.
In addition to having fun experimenting with the setting for playing together, you can enjoy many other areas of experimentation. Clothing can be varied. If you have tended to start fondling each other with night clothes on, crawl into bed and let your spouse discover you in the nude. On the other hand, if you are a couple who are in the nude during most of your physical touching time or getting-ready time, you may find it much more arousing to use clothes to ad new intrigue. Try a “suggestive” nightgown or nightshirt, T-shirt bra and panties, briefs, or a “fig leaf.” When nudity is a threat to one or both of you, covering can be used in a fun, playful way to distract from the blatant exposure that triggers anxiety.
You can have fun using different ways of covering the body to avoid being threatening. It’s not necessary to make an issue of trying to overcome an inhibition about nudity. Instead, you can work within; you can be creative and have fun with it; you can distract from it so that it doesn’t get in the way. One couple worked around the wife’s inhibitions by developing fun ways to circumvent the problem. For example, she might wear something that covered her and yet was way sexy, such as a sheer nightgown. Another idea is to tie scarves around the appropriate places. Try anything—the more fun and the sillier the better—that will help you get past a problem with nudity. Then, if you do want to learn to be more comfortable with your own and your partner’s nudity, you can try some of the exercises. That is work, however, not fun and games. The work you put into the exercises will lead to more freedom with each other but is not a creative experience in itself. Creativity may follow when you gain added freedom.
Nudity can be enjoyed in many ways. One young couple really enjoyed playing in the nudeplayful pinching, poking, and caressing, but the man panicked if they were together in the nude to have sexual intercourse. This encouraged them to engage in nude play that involved more and more total body involvement without any expectation of intercourse. They can also learn to make some use of coverings that they could have fun with. And that allowed him to be more comfortable. Nude swimming in the privacy of one’s backyard pool is enjoyed by many couples. There are limitless possibilities.
Other ways to have fun and to play together with or without leading to sexual intercourse include the teases that enhance. It’s critical that the teases do not carry a job or put down, or pick on a sensitive issue. Rather, the tease has to be for the fun of it, and must not carry a hidden leaded message.
Resisting in a fun way in a tease that can enhance. This is the message that says, “Come on and try to get me,” or “See if I’m available,” or just pulling away slightly. This can be particularly evocative when used by the person who has tended to be the aggressor. It is not suggested for the person who has been the resister in the relationship, since it might be taken seriously.
The man needs to be as active as the woman in creating new ways to tease and preparing enjoyable surprises. One man came leaping out of his bathroom without clothing on. He leaped over the bed on which his wife was laying, and then asked his wife to guess what Bible verse he was acting out. The verse was, “Listen! My lover! look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. My lover is like a gazelle.’ They’ve had fun with that ever since.
Whatever variation you use—however crazy might seem—if it creates fun and laughter and does not have to lead to intercourse, you have a good start on keeping alive your total sexual expression with each other.