HANDLING THE DATE
Dating a woman for the first time requires more balls than a bingo machine, so make sure you’re fully loaded in that department before you go out.
Pre-date nerves can reduce a man to a quivering lump of jelly, which is fine for feeding hungry children at a birthday party, but will fail to satisfy the needs of a hungry woman. So before the date, calm yourself with controlled breathing, and try to maintain that cool image you have been trying for weeks to perfect. Believe it or not, she is probably just as nervous as you are. The chances are that an hour before you meet, while you’re splashing aftershave into your pants, she’ll be spewing up her lunch into a bucket in a final bulimic attempt to purge herself of fat that doesn’t actually exist and which, if it did exist, would make her more attractive.
During those inevitable reflective moments before the date (when you’re looking in the mirror), be realistic about what you expect to happen. Pessimism from the start will rule out any nasty surprises. The worst that will happen is that she’ll hate you, and turn out to be a journalist writing a feature on the worst dates she’s ever had, and you come top, and no one ever wants to date you again. If you go along expecting this worst-case scenario, you won’t be disappointed.
Set a modest target for a first date. Rather than exchanging fluids with her, your target should be simply to exchange a few words with her before she makes a limp excuse for cutting short the date and going on her own to another bar to see if there are any real men with whom she can try her luck.
The next stage to aim for, if you pass the first hurdle, is to become a trusted friend of hers. If all goes well, aim for a goodnight kiss resulting in a goodnight slap after the second date, moving up to a goodnight ‘Oh go on, just a little one’ after the third date and finally a goodnight ‘Oh come on, you won’t feel a thing, honest—I’ll do all the work. What about if I pay you?’ after the fourth (and usually final) date.
When you do meet for the first time, how do you greet her? A friendly punch in the stomach or a grouping bear hug? Or perhaps take off your clothes immediately and ask her if she would like a delivery of salami? In some circles a kiss on the cheek would be normal, but whether she will actually bare her bottom cheeks to enable you to this is hard to predict.
If you kiss the side of her face on a first greeting, avoid nibbling her ears (unless you’re really hungry) and keep your tongue in place … her make-up will be thick and fresh and won’t taste too good. Be careful if you shake hands with her, as it can seem over-familiar, and try not to dribble.