ON FANTASY AND VARIETY IN SEX
Can you tell me biblically the difference between lust and fantasy?
The distinction often made between fantasy and lust is that in lust there is usually an intense desire with hope or possibility of action, whereas fantasy is thought to be something within a person without any intention to act. Fantasies are often so unrealistic that they would be impossible to carry out. Lust usually has to do with real people in real places.
Thinking of sexual acts between people, in general, should be avoided.
There are many differences of opinion on this issue. Some people thought that love-making only enhances the experience. For others, they get in the way. Fantasize take on so many different forms that it is difficult to make a specific statement that applies to all people in all situations. For some, the only way they know to get aroused to the point of orgasm is to engage in some fantasy. Since this brings pleasure to both, it is difficult to say that they should or even could avoid that activity.
If pre-marital play, not necessarily intercourse, has occurred before how can we best forget those experiences and avoid comparing them to our present sex life?
Comparing usually causes difficulties only when the current partner does not measure up. We need to be careful how we make that evaluation, however, since pre-marriage and pre-intercourse experiences can never really be compared with what happens after marriage and after we begin full love-making. Sometimes it is most beneficial to be able to share all of these concerns with someone. A competent counselor or pastor may be just such a sounding board. This sharing is not designed to relieve the past experiences but rather to get them out in the open. This may free you to move on to a fully satisfying experience with your husband or wife. Keep in mind, too that God has forgiven you. Only you are holding on to the past to keep you from complete joy.
What if you aren’t in the mood? Should you go along to please your mate?
At various times all of us will “not feel like it” but will decide to go ahead and be involved sexually because of our partner’s desires. There is the possibility that we may become responsive even if we are not initially in the mood. If we never find ourselves in the mood, then there is a serious barrier with which we must deal. Begin by talking with each other about this, and then seek competent help. If lack of interest is only an occasional state, it need not cause concern since it is not likely to have a significant impact on you or your spouse. There are many times when we may not be in the mood. If we are open to letting the mood change without pressure or demand for that, often it will come. Occasionally we might even go against our mood.
What is the relationship between sexual fulfillment and length of marriage?
We have known couples who have been married for six months and are experiencing unbelievable fulfillment. We have also known couples who have been married for thirty years and who have never had a fulfilling sexual experience together. For some couples, surprisingly, complete fulfillment keeps expanding and becoming even more fulfilling. This is one of the ways that good marriages seem to be reinforced. The Lord keeps giving us more and more to enjoy as we give ourselves totally to each other.
How do I make something better that is already good? Both of us are satisfied and both reach orgasm. What more can be done?
What a delightful problem to have! As with any other aspect of life, we can always keep moving toward perfection. In the sexual area, we can keep learning to give more and experience more. We are not speaking here of greater frequency but rather depth and greater intensity. Expand your experience into new places, new experimentation, new books, or new seminars. Look for ways to outgive and outlive one another.
‘‘A woman can have six to eleven or more orgasms while the man has one.” Could this be true?
The woman has an infant capacity for orgasms, but the drive for this should not be the husband’s, nor should it grow out of some demand she is putting on herself. Rather, it should come from within herself. Many women are fully satisfied with one orgasm and need nothing more. Others always prefer two or three. Some women prefer repeated orgasmic release during a given experience, but this does not say that they are free women or better lovers. Any time we establish an outside criterion to evaluate how we are doing, we are not listening to how God made us and responding in terms of ourselves. Once we establish an outside criterion we detract from what is natural.