The Best Internet Chuckles
“WHY is it that every time you start to make
ends meet, somebody comes along and moves
the ends?
FIRST member: “I thought the sermon was
divine. It reminded me of the peace of God. It
passed all understanding.
Second member: It reminded me of the
mercies of GodI thought it would endure forever.
THE Bible tells us to love our neighbors and
also to love our enemies, probably because they
are generally the same people.
CUSTOMER: Your sign says you will cook any
type of steak. I’ll try an elephant steak.
Waiter: Will that be African or Indian?
NOTHING is as embarrassing as watching your
boss do something assured him couldn’t be
done.
Did you hear about the man who jumped from
the Empire State Building and lived to tell about
it? He told the people on the ninety-third floor,
those on the eighty-fourth floor, everyone of the
sixty-second floor, and those on…
HE: Where are you going on your vacation?
Him : Yellowstone National Park.
He : Don’t forget Old Faithful.
Him : She’s going with me.
SAM: Don’t be afraid of my dog. You know
the old proverb, “A barking dog never bites.”
Kim : Yes, you know the proverb, and I know
the proverb, but does your dog know the
proverb?
A little oy never said a word for six year. One
day his parents served him cocoa. From out of
left field the kid said, “This cocoa’s no good.”
His parents went around raving. They asked
him, “Why did you wait so long to talk?”
He said : “Up till now everything’s been okay.”
For a minute I didn’t recognize you. It was
my most enjoyable minute today.
A tired minister was at home resting, and
through the window he saw a woman
approaching his door. She was one of those too
talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk
with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs
and wait until she goes away.”
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair
landing and listened-not a sound. He was very
pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his
wife, “Well, my Dear, did you get rid of that old
bore at last?”
The next moment he heard the voice of the
same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly
have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he
saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly
a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister’s wife answered,
“Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago.
But Mrs. Roy has come to call in the meantime,
and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”
A form of humor that causes everyone to
groan and is means to punish the hearers.
A man sought medical aid because he had
popped eyes and a ringing in his ears. A doctor
looked him over and suggested removal of his
tonsils. The operation resulted in no
improvement, so the patient consulted another
doctor, who suggested removal of his teeth. The
teeth were extracted, but still the man’s eyes
popped and ringing in his ears continued.
A third doctor told him bluntly, “You’ve gt six
months to live.” In that event, the doomed man
decided he would treat himself right while he
could. He bought a flashy car, a chauffeur, and
the best tailor in town to make him 30 suits, and
decided even him shirts would be made-to-order.
“Okay,” said the shirtmaker, “let’s get your
measurements. Hmm, 35 sleeve, 16 collar…”
“Fifteen,” the man said.
“Sixteen collar”, the shirtmaker repeated,
measuing again.
“But I’ve always worn a 15 collar”, said the
man.
“Listen,” the shirtmaker said, “I’m arning you.
You keep on wearing a 15 collar, and your eyes
will pop and you’ll have a ringing in your ears.”
NEUROTICS build air castles. Psychotics live in
them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.
DID you hear about the country parson who
decided to buy himself a horse? The desler
assured him that the one he selected was a
perfect choice. “This here hoarse”, he said, “has
lived all his life in a religious atmosphere. So
remember that he’ll never start if you order
‘Giddyap.’ ‘You’ve got say,’ Praise the Lord.
“Likewise, a ‘Whoa’ willnever make him stop.
You’ve got to say, ‘Amen.”
Thus forewarned, the parson paid for the
horse, mounted him, and with a cheery “Praise
the Lord” sent him wandering off in the direction
of the parson’s parish. Suddenly, however, he
noticed that the road ahead had been washed
out, leaving a chasm 200 yards deep. In a panic,
be forgot his instructions and cried, “Whoa” in
vain several times. The horse just cantered on.
At the very last moment he remembered to cry
“Amen” … and the horse stopped short at the
very brink of the chasm. But alas! That’s when
the person, out of force of habit, murmured
fervently, “Praise the Lord!”
SON: Why is a man not allowed to have more
than one wife?
Father : Because the law protects those who
are incapable or protecting themselves.