The Best of Internet Humor
TEACHER : “Give me a sentence with an object.”
Pupil : “Your’re very beautiful, teacher.”
Teacher : “What is the object?”
Pupil : “A good grade.”
HOUSEWIFE : “I am sorry, Sir, but my husband
and I have made it a policy never to buy anything
from door to door salesman.”
Salesman : “Then I have the very thing for
you, Madam, I am sure you will not want to be
without one of these handsome. No Salesman.”
signs.
“I heard your brother got put in jail again.”
“Yeah, all on account of taking a little piece of
glass.”
“They could not put him in jail for just taking a
piece of glass.”
“This piece of glass turned out to be a
diamond.”
THE burglar told his girl friend that he was
arrested for something he hadn’t done he hadn’t
wiped off his fingerprints when he robbed the
bank.
IN Delhi an evening walker was held up at gate
way by a dacoit, who said : “Give me your money
or I will blow out your brain.”
“Blow away!” said evening walker. “In the
modern world you can live without brains but
not without money!”
TWO burglars had broken into a clothing store
and were busy sorting out some suits when one
of them saw one marked Rs. 3250.
“Look at the price of that one,” he said. “Why,
it’s downright robbery, isn’t it?”
TEACHER : “Joe, what in your view is far away
London or Moon?
Joe : “Sir, London.”
Teacher : “How?”
Joe : “Because I can’t see London, but Sir, I
see mon daily.”
CUSTOMER : “To what do you owe your
extraordinary success as a house-to-house
salesman?”
Salesman : “To the first five words I utter when
a woman opens the door. “Miss, is your mother
in?”
INFURIATED woman customer to antique dealer,
“You said me this furniture was genuine ivory
and it turns out to be a cheap imitation.”
“That is impossible, madam. But of-course.
The elephant may have worn dentures.”
AS the bus stopped at the bus station, one
traveller asked a fellow passenger, “How long
this bus will stop here? I wanted to go out for a
cup of coffee.”
Fellow passenger who seemed to be more
experienced said, “I don’t know how long is the
halt, but you could safely go for coffee provided
you take the bus driver also.”
TEACHER : “What does it mean when the
barometer starts falling?”
Student : “I guess it means whoever nailed it
up did not do a good job.”
SMITH discovered his wife in bed with another
man. “What’s the meaning of this he asked, “who
is this guy?”
“That seems a fair question”, said his wife,
rolling over. “What’s your name, Fella?”
IN a cafe, at 2 A.M. the last guest sat sleeping
at his table. The chairwoman said to the
proprietor, ‘I’ve seen you shake that old fool and
wake him up five times. Why don’t you make
him go home?”
“Nothing doing.” answered the proprietor
cheerfully. “Every time I wake him up he asks
for bill and pays it.”
CUSTOMER to the headwaiter at the most
expensive restaurant of the town: “What is the
biggest tip you ever got?”
Waiter : “One hundred rupees.”
Customer : “Okay, here is two hundred
rupees. Meet the new Champ.
Waiter : “Thank you so much sir. I willnever
forget you.”
Customer : “By the way, who is it that gave
you the hundred?”
Waiter : “You did.”
CUSTOMER (selecting a wedding gift) : “Yes, I
rather like that picture. What is the title?”
Salesman : “The coming storm.” It will
certainly make a splended wedding present.”