The female Orgasmic Response
As a woman moves into the organization stage, various changes happen within the body. The clitoris, inner lips, and outer lips remain basically the same as they were at the end of the plateau phase. The genitally centered feelings of the orgasm are due to the strong vaginal contractions in the orgasmic platform. Masters and Johnson have measured three to five contractions for a mild orgasm and eight to twelve contractions for an intense orgasm. These contractions occur at intervals of eight-tenths of a second. This is true for all women and is the same as the spacing of the contractions in the man. As the outer third of the vagina is contacting, the inner two-thirds are expanding to form a place for the seminal fluid.
Women have two centers of orgasmic response. The orgasm is experienced not only in the vagina but also in the uterus. The uterus undergoes contractions similar to the first stages of labor. Some women have reported that they experience a dull pain in their lower abdomen. This may be due to the uterine contractions that occur. Once a woman’s fears have been allayed through the explanation that this is a normal response, she learns to enjoy the intensity of close contractions rather than to experience them as painful.
We knew a highly intense woman, who was very responsive in the male phases of the sexual experience; but then, as she moved into the orgasmic response, she would draw back from further stimulation to avoid the lower abdominal discomfort. This had been true of the first eight years of her married life and was particularly noticeable when she was extremely aroused. As she learned to relax and let herself enjoy the abdominal feelings, her experience shifted from sensing the contractions as pain to experiencing them as intense pleasure. This confirms the close relationship between pain and pleasure in our bodies. Just as a very intense pleasurable sensation can easily shift to being painful, a painful sexual feeling may change to intense pleasure.
While the centers of the orgasmic response are in the vagina and the uterus, the sensations that grow out of this center include the whole body. It is analogous to dropping a rock into a pool of water, the most intense reaction is at the center, where the rock is dropped, but the reaction continues to move out in wider and wider circles.
These total body responses occur in both men and women. Many of these begin during the plateau phase and reach their peak with the orgasm. Let us enumerate them. The heart rate increases up to 180 beats per minute. The blood pressure often rises measurably. The breathing intensifies, becoming deeper, faster, and noisier (ventilation). There may be a great deal of involuntary muscular movement thrusting of the pelvis and spastic contractions of the face, arms, legs, back, or lower abdomen. There is a specific response that occurs in the foot called a Carpopedal spasm, which is straightening out of the foot in a clawlike contraction, where the toes curl downward and away from the body (hyperextension). These are all involuntary responses that cannot be controlled.
In the face, the contracting muscles may give the appearance of a frown, scowl, or grimace. The mouth may open involuntarily with a gasping kind of reaction that may also include some involuntary sounds or words. Once a woman can accept the fact that all these reactions and noises are a natural part of the sexual response, it may become easier for her to let herself be responsive to her husband. Many women are surprised to find that rather than turning off their partners, these reactions will usually heighten a man’s arousal. We have assigned couples simulated practices of these total body responses. In these experiences, they might lie on a bed side by side, with clothes on or off, and practice breathing loudly, letting out gasps and moans, and making spastic-like faces and movements. This usually turns into a hilarious event, which reduces inhibition and allows these natural responses in future sexual encounters.
VAGINAL V/s CLITORAL ORGASM
Much has been written and many misconceptions have been passed on about various kinds of female orgasms. It is important to understand the background of these myths. When Freud was developing his psychoanalytic theory, in some of his writings, he defined the woman, who had only achieved orgasm through external or manual stimulation as an immature woman-in fact, a little girl. He said that as— a ‘‘woman matured into full womanhood she would obviously have her orgasm in the ‘normal’ adult manner, that is, as a result of vaginal penetration through intercourse. These concepts have been disseminated throughout the Western world and used to put pressure on women to experience orgasm during sexual intercourse.’’ The research of Masters and Johnson has proven Freud’s theories to be physiologically inaccurate and thus has diminished the potency of Freud’s argument from a Psychological perspective.
Masters and Johnson found that there is only one kind of orgasm, a man can experience. All orgasms regardless of the source of stimulation, are exactly the same in terms of their physical components. When a woman has an orgasm, when it is the result of her thoughts and fantasies, self-stimulation, breast stimulation, manual stimulation by her partner, or intercourse, the same things happen to her body as were just described. There is the formation of the orgasmic platform, the contractions in the outer third of the vagina, and the contractions of the uterus. All bodily responses occur regardless of the source of stimulation.
Some women who have experienced orgasms from both external and internal stimulation report that they find these two to be different on an emotional level. For them the orgasm, while the man is inside, feels more fulfilling than an orgasm brought about by external stimulation. This is a matter of personal preference for a woman. There is nothing wrong with striving for orgasm during intercourse unless that becomes an inhibiting effort. There is also nothing wrong with being satisfied with having an orgasm as a result of external stimulation. In fact, some women report a more intense response, when the Penis is not in the vagina.
Many times the pressure on a woman to have her orgasm during intercourse is a serious deterrent to full satisfaction. This pressure may come from a husband who feels he is less of a man because he “can’t got her to have an orgasm during intercourse.” It is as though his worth is dependent on achieving this goal. This mentality is in contrast to our suggestion that each person be responsible to pursue his or her own swim desires as long as it is not at the expense of the other.
GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR BODY
Before you attempt to be comfortable with your husband, it is essential that you be comfortable with yourself. Many women have been taught to think of their bodies as unpleasant or distasteful, particularly the genitals. They have learned that this is the doctor’s area, the ‘messy’ part of them, the bloody part, and certainly a complicated part to overcome these teachings, beginning with a time of self-discovery. Wash well, then take out a mirror and get to know yourself in specific detail. Look at the various parts, touching them as you explore. It may be necessary for you to do this several times before you feel comfortable enough to share such an experience with your partner.
When you have reached the point, where you are familiar and comfortable with yourself, then plan a time, when you and your husband can share this discovery time together. This should not be seen as a time for sexual arm, but rather as a time of education. You can best teach him about you and he can teach you about himself. Go into the complete detail, if this feels a little awkward. Talk about your discomfort as you go along. It may take several experiences of this or, before you really feel comfortable sharing your genitals with each other.
Some people ask, doesn’t this take this mystery out of love-making? It is our experience that mystery based on ignorance only causes problems, not joy. After, we know all we can about each other’s bodies and shared all we can about our feelings, the mystery is still left. The mystery does not have to do with our various body parts, but rather with all the Sensations and Wings, that come to us in the loving impede Mystery about the body is bow labeled ‘Ignorance,’ ignorance does not lead to fulfillment.
After you have discovered yourself genitally and shared this with your partner, spend some time becoming aware of where you feel the most enjoyable sensations. The setting for this should be very secure and relaxed. It might be while you are in the bathtub, or it may be in your bedroom when everyone else is out of the house or the door is locked. Be sure the kids are napping or away and you have some time to yourself. You should be confident that you will not be interrupted and that you need not be rushed.
Every woman enjoys different kinds of genital touch. There is no right or wrong way. For you, there is only your way. Some women like to have the head or glans of the clitoris stimulated directly, but for most, that is too painful. That is why the majority of women enjoy the touch around the clitoris, rather than directly on it. The main part of the clitoris—the clitoral shaft—is directly above the head of the clitoris. Thus, the skin that covers the shaft and extends to both sides may be the area that you most enjoy having touched. (Likewise, most men enjoy having the shaft of the penis stimulated rather than the head.) The opening to the vagina may also bring special pleasure. For most women, the deep insertion of fingers into the vagina does not bring much pleasurable sensation. Discover for yourself not only, where you like to be touched, but how— directly or generally, pointedly or broadly, with much pressure or light pressure. Keep in mind that there is no normal or right way, only your way, and even that way may change from day to day.
While you are in a relaxed state, test your pubococcygeus (PC) muscle to see, whether you can feel it tightening. If you cannot feel the tightening against your fingers, then either you are not tightening the right muscle or the muscle is loose. For a vigorous sexual response, this muscle needs to be in good tone. Begin doing the exercises as outlined earlier.
This would also be a good time to identify any point in the outer area of the vagina that has positive sensations for you. Some women report that the lower right-hand and lower left-hand areas of the vagina bring them the most positive sensations. This may or may not be true for you. If it is, enjoy it and sham it, if it is not, there is no need for concern.
Whatever you learn from self-exploration, self-stimulation, tightening the PC muscle, and identifying the responsive parts of the vagina should be shared with your partner as a way of keeping him up-to-date with your own discoveries. Then, he can incorporate this new information into his love-making pattern.
You need to be comfortable not only with the specifically sexual parts of your body but with your body as a whole. This would be a good time, therefore, for you and your partner to share with each other how you feel about your bodies from head to toe. This should include how your body looks, how it feels, how you think about it, and how you sense others respond to it. Take turns standing in front of the mirror without any clothes and describe what you see and feel. All of these experiences are designed to help you be more comfortable together. They need not be experienced as arousing. Let yourself enjoy them, without any kind of demand that there be sexual feelings. But, if you find that in fact they are arousing, let yourselves enjoy the stimulated sensations, without feeling you have to act on them.
PLEASURE WITHOUT DEMAND
The previous experiences were designed mainly for educational purposes, as a way of teaching you and your husband about your body and also to learn the specific kind of genital touch you most enjoy.
We move now to some experiences that are more for pleasure. Begin by knowing that in these experiences there is no expectation for intercourse. Rule intercourse out, for the time being. Also, know that there is no way you can fail in time experiences because there is nothing you have to achieve. The goal is to let yourself experience and enjoy as much of the pleasure as you can take in. Begin by getting clean together. Bathe or take a shower and if it is comfortable even wash each other’s bodies. For some of you, this will be a familiar experience, for others, it may seem strange or awkward. Talk about those uncomfortable feelings, but push yourself—to complete the bathing in spite of the discomfort.
After you are clean, get into a quiet comfortable place—perhaps on the bed and take turns learning to pleasure each other through touch by a foot and hand caress. The idea is to receive pleasure through touch without feeling any demand for a response. As the receiver your only task is to enjoy the sensations and to communicate anything to your partner that is not enjoyable for you. He has to be able to count on this, otherwise, he cannot relax in the giving. His task is to pleasure you in a way that brings him pleasure. We enjoy ourselves most when we can relax in the assurance that the other one will let us know if anything we do is not pleasurable. It may take several sessions of foot and hand caressing before you can really relax with it and enjoy yourselves.
In the next experience, move on to the facial caress. This is obviously more personal and has more sensuous areas. The lips, the neck, and the ears can be sexually responsive and are certainly more personal than the hands and the feet. So, focus on receiving and giving facial pleasure. Take your time, sink into it soak it up and enjoy it. Couples are often amazed at what they learned about each other by slowly, carefully, and pleasurably touching each other’s faces. Keep in mind that this is not a massage designed to get the ‘kinks’ out but rather a form of sensuous communication, which brings familiarity and pleasure. After each experience, talk about what it felt like both to be the giver and the receiver. Alternate who pleasures first. Apply the same principles for both the pleasurer and the receiver.
Having learned to let yourself enjoy the pleasure of feet, hands, and face, move on to the pleasuring of the whole body, including breasts and genitals. In this, body caress take your time. Let the pleasurer and the receiver enjoy the experience. Again, keep in mind that this is not a demand for a sexual response of aroused. Your only task is to let yourself receive the touching. If there is aroused, welcome it and enjoy it, but do not feed that you have to pursue it or extend it.
It is most common that with total body pleasure, some demand or pressure may set in. This may be due to conditioning or impatience. If you have always been a woman, who felt that as soon as your husband got near your genitals you needed to respond, this would be a good time to reverse that pattern. If you find yourself making demands on yourself to become aroused, share these thoughts with your husband as you notice them. Stick with this experience for enough time to learn to receive, share and enjoy total body pleasure, realizing that many experiences can be fully satisfying without even touching the genitals. Both of you can come away knowing that you have shared and received.
Once you are comfortable giving and receiving sensuous touch on the rest of the body, move on to include the genitals in the total body pleasuring. Having finally come to this point, it is natural to become somewhat eager and to quickly focus on the genitals. Usually, this will bring immediate demand and hinder relaxation and pleasure. Therefore, in these experiences, it is particularly important, to begin with hands, feet, face, and back and then gradually move in closer to the genitals. Let the first genital touches be light and whispery, move away to some other part of the body and then move to the breasts and then down the torso, down the stomach to the thighs and then the opening of the vagina and the clitoris without a major focus on just the clitoral area.
Let the touches be light and of short duration, gradually increasing both of these. If any anxiety, spectatoring, or demand creeps in, share this with your partner and have him move away from the genitals until that demand subsides and you are able to relax back into total pleasure. Do not be concerned about the extent of the aroused. The focus here is on pleasure. If you desire more genital touch, because it feels good, communicate this and let your body go after it, but let the desire come from deep inside you rather than from your head. Have a similar time of reversing roles, while you pleasure your husband’s total body, including genitals in a playful way.
We end this section of mutual discovery with an exercise that is designed first of all to teach and then to bring pleasure. Masters and Johnson have called it non-demand pleasuring. The man leans against something solid like the headboard; the woman sits on the bed between his legs in front of him, leaning back against his chest. The woman takes his hands and guides them all over her body. She starts with the face and moves on down the front of her body, communicating to him with her hands on his how, where, and how long she likes to be touched. Through touch and description, he can learn what gives her the greatest pleasure. Sometimes, it is difficult for a man to relax enough to let the woman take over, but there are dimensions to pleasuring that are difficult to communicate in any other way. Recall our earlier analogy of the individual knowing just how he or she wants the itchy spots scratched; even so, a woman or a man can, through demonstration, best communicate the kind of touch that he or she enjoys.
Once you have covered all of the body including genitals that can be reached in the nondemand position, the woman can gradually let the man take over without her guidance. As you let him take charge, let yourself sink back into freely enjoying the pleasuring without the demand for any response. If there are pleasurable sensations that move you to arousal, communicate this and go after those wings. As your body feels like moving toward the heightened emotions let it exaggerate the aroused feelings. This may mean that you will feel like breathing more deeply, pushing your thighs toward your partner’s hands and squeezing your legs together, or many other responses that are hard to specify. Take the good summations as far as they go, then back off, pleasure in some other area, and then move toward them again.
It is important to keep this wave-like motion in mind. Sexual arousal will be heightened most as we move toward it and then move away from its source as we feel the excitement lessen. This teasing kind of response is less demanding and more tantalizing. Flowing with one’s level of arousal has to be learned and can only be learned through communication. If something is feeling particularly good and your husband moves away from it, bring his hand back to it and told him what you would like.
If you are a woman who inhibits a specific body response, practice that dimension separately. Let us say, for example, it is difficult to let yourself breathe with excitement and intensity. In one of your teaching times, plan that the two of you will just lie together in bed and experiment with different kinds of breathing. This should not happen when you are aroused or when you are pleasuring each other, but just breathing out loud with each other. It may turn into a hilariously comical experience, as you let yourself be somewhat melodramatic. Even though you are acting out the response, this exposure to the sensations and noises will allow the natural breathing to feel more familiar. This fake practice could also be utilized to become comfortable with making loud noises, thrusting, pushing, or any other behavior that seems unladylike or unacceptable to you. Practice these behaviors with clothes on and in an unaroused state. This rehearsing can help you break down the inhibitions and let out the natural you!