The Funniest Bytes
A minister was awake in bed one night and saw a
burglar enter his room and go through one
drawer after another. He watched the intruder
silently. But as the thief finally picked up the
clergyman’s clothes and went through the
pockets, he could not restrain a loud laugh.
“Why are you laughing? demanded the
frightened burglar, reaching for his gun.
“It’s very funny that you come here in the dead
of night to look for something I can’t find in full
daylight.
TWO men in the fashion business were
discussing their sons. The first one said sadly,
“My son is no good. He just lounges around the
office all day and chases after models.
The second said with a heavy sigh, “You think
you have troubles. My son too. He hangs around
all day and kisses all the models.
“AT last,” said the novelist, “I have written
something that will be accepted by any
magazine.”
“What is it?” asked a friend.
“A cheque for a year’s subscription.”
“WHY is that so much worse than my son?
“I’m in men’s wear.”
“TO please my wife, I’ve given up smoking,
drinking and playing cards.”
“That must make her very happy,” said this
talk to me, she can’t think of anything to say.”
A friend to his neighbour: “What about
purchasing my beautiful white car red Chevy?”
Neighbour: “It is very economical on petrol.
It hardly consumes it.”
Neighbour: “Yes, it is true because it is mostly
pushed.”
AUTO Dealer: “How about that car I sold you?
Is everything going satisfactorily?
Undertaker: “Well, it did give me a little trouble
at first. I used it as a mourning vehicle, you know,
to carry the mourners and friends, and they didn’t
like to be shook up in their grief. But now I’m
using it as a hearse, and I haven’t had any
complaints so far.”
“WHY did you have the policeman put eighty
miles an hour on the ticket when he booked you
for driving at sixty?
“I want to get a better price for the car when I
sell it.”
A teenage boy was admitted to hospital with
appendicitis. Just before his operation, the
nurses were puzzled when they heard the boy’s
mother ask the surgeon if there was a barber in
the hospital. “Why do you want to know?” they
asked.
“I thought,” she replied, “That we could get
his hair cut while he’s under anaesthetic.”
MY husband stopped at a garage in small
town.
“Whenever I do serventy”, he told the
mechanic, “thre is knocking in the engine.”
After a lengthy examination and much testing
of the engine, the mechanic wiped the grease
from his hands and said, “I don’t see anything
wrong, mister. It must be the good Lord warning
you”.
BARBER: “And how did you find the razor?”
Customer: “Didn’t know I was being shaved.”
Barber: “Very glad. Thank you. Sir.”
A woman drove into a service station to
complain that her car was using up too much
petrol. The attendant pointed to the chock lever
protruding from the dashboard. “Do you know
what this is for?” he asked.
“Oh, that.” said the woman airily, I never used
it. I keep it pulled out to hang my handbag on.”
LIBRARIAN: Do you want something light or do
Do you prefer heavier books?
Reader: Oh, it does not matter, I have my
car outside.
“BY the way, darling, did you put my cooking
outfit in the bag? I’ll want to try some of the fish
we catch.”
“HOW are you getting on?” the older salesman
asked the beginner.
“Rotten. I got nothing but insults everywhere
I called.
“That’s funny,” the older man mused.” I’ve
been on the road for 40 years. I’ve had doors
slammed in my face, and my samples duped in the
street. I’ve been tossed down stairs, man
handled by caretakers but insulted? Never!”
THERE should be a book in every home. To
the ignorant, the pictures will be pleasing. The
wise will reveal in its wisdom, and the house
keeper will end it handy to kill a cockroach.
“I see you are mentioned in one of the books
just published.”
“Indeed! What book?”
“The telephone directory.”
“I read a new good joke recently. Did I tell it
to you?”
“Is it funny?”
“Yes.”
“Then you did not.”