The Funniest Things on the Web
FATHER: Why are you always
at the bottom of your class?
Sam: It doesn’t make any difference.
They teach the same thing at both ends.
ADDRESSING his students,
the medical professor said,
“Now notice how the muscle
of the patient’s leg is
contracted until is now much
shorter than the other.
Therefore, he limps. Now students,
what would you do in such circumstances?
” Replied one of the students,
“I would limp, too.”
HER cooking is so bad,
the neighbors had her
kitchen condemned by
the Board of Health.
HER singing is so bad
that she opens her act
with a song written especially
for her entitled, “Ode to
Fingernails on a Blackboard.”
A sharp nose indicates curiosity.
A flattened nose indicates too much curiosity.
A sure-fire way to lose ten ugly
pounds: Cut off your head.
The man had barely the mortgage
on his house when he mortgaged
it again to buy a car and not long
after he borrowed to build a garage.
His banker hesitatingly said,
“If I do make this new loan,
how will you buy gas for the car?”
“It seems to me,” replied the
borrower curtly, “That a
the fellow who owns a big house,
a car and a garage should
be able to get credit for gasoline.”
I couldn’t stand my boy’s
long hair any longer, so
I dragged him with me to
the barber shop and ordered,
“Give him a crew cut.” The barber
did just that and so help me I found
I’d been bringing up somebody else’s son.
One night a wife found her
husband standing over their
baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the
sleeping infant, she saw on his
face a mixture of
emotions: disbelief, doubt,
delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
TOUCHED by his unusual display and
the deep emotions it aroused,
with eyes glistening she
slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thought,
” she said. “It’s amazing!”
he replied, “just can’t see how
anybody can make a crib like
that for only 46.50.”
We don’t seem to be able
to check crime, so why not
legalize it and then
tax it out of business?
His breath is so bad,
he eats raw garlic to improve it.
BOY: What would I have to
give you for one little kiss?
Girl: Chloroform.
ONE pastor said that his
Church people would be the
first to go up in the rapture.
He gave his reason: “The Bible says,
“The dead in Christ shall rise first.”