The Funniest Things You’ll Find Online
“WHAT were your father’s last words?”
“He didn’t have any.
Mother was with him to the end.”
A Missouri farmer passed away
and left 17 mules to his three sons.
The instructions left in the will
said that the oldest boy was to get
one-half, the second eldest one-third,
and the youngest one-ninth.
The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into
these fractions, began to argue.
The uncle heard about the argument,
hitched up his mule, and drove
out to settle the matter. He added
his mule to the 17, making 18.
The eldest son, therefore, got
one-half or nine, the second got
one-third or six, and the youngest
got one-ninth or two. Adding up 9,
6 and 2 equal 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument, hitched
up his mule and drove home.
FIRST HUSBAND: My wife is always
complaining she has nothing
to wear about the house.
Second Husband: What do you do about it?
First Husband: I pull down the shades.
Some women show their
sense of humor in
their choice of husband.
I heard about one
Hollywood couple who
have been married for
so long that their lawyers are starving.
“FOR 20 years my life
and I were statically happy”.
“Then what happened?” “We met.”
I married my wife 250 checkbooks ago.
When a man and woman marry
they become one. The trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.
WANT to stop an argument
between a man and his wife? Take sides.
A wise man once told me that
the best thing about memories
is that you can remember them
without having to relieve them.
My wife told the neighbors that
30 years ago she had a close encounter
with a subhuman alien creature from outer space,
but never reported it to the
authorities. Instead, she married it.
ATTENDANT: Doctor, there is a
man outside who wants to know
if we’ve lost any of our men
from the insane asylum.
Doctor: Why’s that?
Attendant: He says that someone
has run off with his wife.
FIRST Bachelor: Didn’t you advertise
for a wife the other day?
Second Bachelor: Yes, I got hundreds
of replies. They all said the same thing.
First Bachelor: What was that?
Second Bachelor: You can have mine.
My wife is not talking to me
today and I’m in no mood to
interrupt her.
MEAL time is when the children
sit down and continue to eat.