The Internet’s Best One-Liners
ARMY Officer to his P.A.: “I want to go on
leave. Please type out an application.
P.A. : “Sir, you hyave consumed all leaves.
There is no leave due.”
Officer : “How come. Go and find out whatever
leave is still due and ask for that!”
P.A. : “Sir, you have not availed Maternity
leave.”
Officer : “Then apply for the same.”
A man walked into the grocery store. “I want
the rotten eggs you have,” he demanded.
“Why do you want stale eggs?” asked the
clerk. “Are you going to see the new comedian
at the theatre tonight?”
“Sh-sh-sh,” hissed the buyer nervously, “I’m
the new comedian.”
YOUNG Actor: “I’ve got a job at last, Father,
it’s a new play and I’m a man who has been
married twenty years.”
Father: “Splendid. That’s a start anyway, my
boy. Maybe some of these days they’ll give you
a ‘speaking part.”
SAM: “What’s the matter with the leading
lady?”
Sunny: She’s only got nine bouquet tonight.’’
“Good heavens, ins’t that enough?”
“No! she paid for ten.”
“AFTER tonight I am going to have you killed
in Act I instead of Act III,” the stage manager
said to his leading man.
“What for the change?” asked the heavy
villain. Audience do it!” replied the manager.
CAPTAIN (receiving the new middy) : “Well, boy,
the old story, I suppose fool of the family sent to
sea?”
Boy : “Oh, no sir. That is all changed since
your day.”
MOVIE Director: “Now, here is where you jump
off the cliff.”
Nervous Actor: “Yeah, but suppose I get
injured or killed?”
Movie Director: “Oh, that’s all right. It’s the
last scene in the picture.”
THE recruiting officer took the parent’s name
and address, then said grandly: “I Hope you
realise the honor we are doing you by allowing
you to join our great, valiant, and splendid army.”
The recruit looked suitably impressed and
noded.
“Now, my man, which regiment do you wish
to join?”
“I want to be on the General Staff.”
“On the General Staff?” Are you mad?”
“Why, is that one of the conditions?”
TWO old friends meet after a long time, one
asked. “Did you join the Army?”
“Yes, was there for three years.”
“Did you get a commission?”
“No, just my wages.”
“NO,” he insisted, “I was so full of bullets that
they decided I ought to go in the ammunition
wagon.”
“TELL me, the movie you made-does it have
an unhappy ending?”
“It may have, the week after it opens”.
THE old soldier was telling of his thrilling
adventures on the field of battle.
“Then,” he said, “the surgeon took me up and
laid me in the ammunition wagon. You mean
the ambulance.”
AN old couple invited an army captain
stationed there on Christmas day for dinner. The
the lady sent a formal invitation,’’ requesting the
pleasure of Captains, Company for dinner of the
Christmas day.’’
SAM: “Have you ever been in a railway
accident?”
Joe :“Yes, once when I was in a train and we
went through a tunnel. I killed the father instead
of the daughter.”
AJAY: “Is she related to you?”
Sachin : No, but I don’t mind having
relationship with her.’’
A Friend: “So sorry, I couldn’t be present at
your wedding.”
Movie Actress : “Never mind, I’ll have another
one soon.”
HE took her in his arms. “Hor, darling,” he
murmured. “I love you Please say you’ll be mine.
I’m not rich like Oscar Russel. I haven’t car, or a
fine house, or a well-stocked cellar, but darling,
I love you, and I can not live without you.”
Two soft arms stole around his neck, and two
ruby lips whispered in his ear: “And I love you,
too, darling, but where is this man Russell?”
A traveler walking along a road asked an old
man working in a field how long it would
take to get to the next village. The old man did
not answer, so the stranger went on his say.
He had not gone far when he heard a call :
“Hey mister, come back.” The traveler returned
and the old man said, “It’ll take you about 20
minutes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that when I asked
you?” asked the traveler.
“How did I know how fast you were going to
walk?” replied the old man.
A friend was advised not to eat too much
chicken, lest he may get ‘Chicken Heart’.
His friend asked: “If eat a lot of sweets, will I
get a ‘Sweet heart’.”