“GOOD afternoon, friend,” I said to the general
storekeeper, “Any entertainment here tonight to
help a stranger while away his evening?”
The storekeeper, straightened up, and said.
“I expect there’s going to be a lecture. I have
been selling eggs all day.”
IT is better to leave your audience before you
audience leaves you.
GOD hevens : “Who gaveyou those black
eyes.”
“A bridegroom for kissing the bride after the
ceremony.”
“But surely he could not object to that ancient
custom?”
“No, but it was two years after the ceremony.”
CHAMBERLAIN was the guest of honour at a
dinner in an important city in England. The mayor
presided, and when coffee was being served,
the mayour leaned ever and enquired from Mr.
Chamberlain, “Shall we let the people enjoy
themselves a little longer, or we better have your
speech now?”
AIRPORT ticket clerk: “You will have to change
twice before you get to New York.”
Lady passenger: “Goodness me! And I have
only brought the clothes I am standing in.”
SHOWING a tour group around a museum, the
the guide said, “That fossil in the glass case is two
million and nine years old.”
“How can you date it so precisely?” someone
asked admiringly.
“That’s easy,” replied the guide. “I’ve
been working here nine years, and it was two
million years old when I came.”
A young lady who had been going out with a
young man for more than a year was asked by
her parents what she thought his intentions were.
The young lady replied: “I am not quite sure.
He has been keeping me pretty much in the
dark.”
“WHERE have you been for the last four
years?”
“At college taking medicine?”
“And did you finally get well?”
AFTER the lecture was over, a person from the
audience was heard saying, “Oh, it was a
horrible speech.” As this was within the hearing
of the speaker, another person from the
audience went down to the speaker and politely
said, “Sir, please don’t mind that man’s word’s
he is like that only, he never gives his own
opinion, he only repeats what others say.”
THESE days there are militant students even
among those taking a correspondence course.
One young man recently beat up his postman.
LITTLE Sam’s mother took her precious child
for admission to the local public school. She gave
the teacher a long list of instructions.
“My Sam is very sensitive,” she explained. “If
he needs to be beaten, just slap the boy next to
him. That will frighten my Sam.”
CUSTOMER: “You made a mistake in that
prescription which was for my mother-in-law.
Instead of quinine you used strychinine.”
Druggist : “Don’t say? Then you owe me
twenty cents more.”
WHEN my job took me overseas for months I
insisted my 14-year old daughter write to me
frequently, and include a full report of her
progress at school. In her first letter, she
enthusiastically reported, “In mathematics class,
four boys like me. Three like me in history, three
in English, two in geography and one each in
typing and shorthand. Total : 14. Up three from
last term.
A large notice in a shop window announced
a big sale, with sweeping reductions, starting at
9 a.m. An enormous queue had started to form
by 7.30 a.m.
Just before the shop was due to oepn, an
inconspicuous little man walked to the head of
the queue. Angry women elbowed and pushed
him back, in moments, he was right at the back
of the line. Undaunted, the little man went to the
head of the head of the queue again.
Once more, he was shoved unceremoniously
to the back, this time with a few smacks on the
face and a couple of thumps from umbrellas of
the hands of the angry women.
The little man walked on one side of the queue
and said: “It that’s your attitude, I won’t open
the shop at all today.”